This is a roller coaster. This exact moment while I type this is somewhat serene…for now it would seem the tear reserve is empty. The kids and I had a living room camp out last night – I could not face my bedroom with out my husband home and now with Chance’s dog bed empty. For an adult, the understanding of death is immediate and the grief is engulfing. My children have not lost a close family member at an age they can remember – we talk a lot about their grandfather who passed away when my seven year old was a baby but she does not remember it. My four year old has no comprehension of what it means. When I explained it to him yesterday, he looked at me for a moment, then asked if we would go get Chance tomorrow. He finds Chance’s items around the house (because I cannot bear to put them away yet) and brings them to me and tells me he wants Chance to have it. My seven year old is more contemplative…she talks about missing him, about the things he will no longer be able to do with us. I have begun going through our albums, pulling out the photos I have of Chance before the digital revolution so that I can scan them and put together a scrapbook. The rush of memories and moments hit at completely unexpected times and while some bring smiles or laughter, it is immediately followed by gut wrenching pain.
Example 1…before Chance was officially ‘mine’, he was at an adoption day at Petsmart. This was in late November/early December before he got sick with Parvo, so he was around 10-12 weeks old, and for some completely unknown reason (other than the fact that he was ALWAYS supposed to be mine) he was the only one of his 8 siblings without a home. A friend came with me to volunteer that day and she was ‘in charge’ of Chance for the afternoon. We were sitting in the front lobby of the store with the dogs and Chance (who was on a leash) laid down in front of her with a santa chew toy – with the tag still on it – in his mouth. Confused as to where it had come from, she took it away from him and set it beside her. He wandered around some and comes back with a reindeer chew toy. (you could almost see him grinning as she took this one away from him and laid it beside the other one) This continued with several Christmas themed items until my friend finally turned around and realized directly behind us (out of her line of vision) and right at the end of Chance’s mobility due to his leash was a display of holiday dog toys…which Chance had systematically unshelved, one toy at a time! This memory hit when I was cleaning the toy room this evening and found Chance’s well chewed, well loved snowman from a few Christmas’ ago. Remembering his impish puppy ways made me laugh, but holding that snowman in my hands brought back the piercing reality that he is gone…
I spent some time reading through the grieving forums this evening and I also found this site: http://www.pet-loss.net/surviving.shtml
Both helped me to remember that as awful as it feels, this is normal, and even if I wanted it, there is no ‘quick fix’. In another article on that site, the author relates her experience with losing her cat and states, “As Lessa was dying, I wondered if I would ever be able to love a cat as much as I loved her — if I would ever be able to experience this wonderful, magical relationship again. Lessa had been with us for 15 years — and from almost the beginning of my husband’s and my relationship. There is something very special about a pet who has gone through so many “formative” experiences in a couple’s life — wherever we went, and whatever we went through, Lessa was there. Losing Lessa was like losing a connection to our “early years.”
I met Chance when I was 23 and a newly wed. In a sense, we ‘grew up’ together. We purchased our first house three months before we adopted Chance. We took him EVERY WHERE with us – to parks, on hikes, to visit the in-laws! If we had to go out of town without him, Chance was boarded at daycare facilities, so we felt like he was maybe having fun with new friends even if we were apart. Chance welcoming our two legged children when they came home from the hospital, and he accepted them immediately as part of ‘our pack’. He was WONDERFUL with kids..if he heard them cry, he would lay his head over the bassinet and whine until my hubby or I comforted the baby. Before our kids came along, Chance was the dog parents in the neighborhood would introduce their children to in hopes of getting them over a fear of dogs. He would lay down on his side and stay down so that a child could walk up and pet him. He’s made three state to state moves with us. He’s been my constant companion when my husband has had to be away for Army training and deployments, and I did not realize how much I depending on Chance for comfort and companionship (or how much I talked to him!) until he was no longer here….
Hmmm…turns out that tear reserve has refilled…
Here’s a few of the photos of Chancey with the kids that I came across today…
my daughter with Chance in 2007, pretending to be a dog (and yes, Chance is wearing a beaded necklace)
Chance with my daughter and a friend from the neighborhood in 2008
Chance and my son in 2007
and in 2008
Hi,
Today marks for me four months since I let Maggie go. I can tell you it does get better. In fact it took reading something here at Tripawds to remember this was the day. The night I came home from the vet without Maggie I put all of the bad stuff away- meds, fluids, the reminders of how tough our last three months were. But I left out all her other stuff, beds, blankets, bowls. Even now her blanket is on my bed, and her leash is in the closet. I used her harness in a little tribute I have hanging in the bedroom.
I am single with no kids, and no deployed husband. This part must be really hard for you. I had another pug at home to take care of, and have since adopted another, both of those things have helped me. Have a look at Maggie’s blog if you want to- I wrote about missing her there too: http://maggiesjourney.tripawds.com/.
Karen
So sorry to hear about Chance and your current situation. About 12 years ago, we lost our first family dog, Bonnie, to lymphoma. I was 10 yrs old at the time, my brother 7 and we had never lost a family member before.
As for what I recall going though, I remember crying for a while, understanding the full weight of the finality of life and that that she wasn’t coming back. But at the same time, I still just felt like she was “somewhere else”. Not gone forever, but just not “here” in the present moment. I know it doesn’t make sense, maybe there is something wrong with my brain (even at that age), but for some reason I knew that she wasn’t just “gone”.
How I also dealt with the situation at the age of 10: As a child growing up with an art teacher for a grandmother, I drew a LOT. I really think it helped to draw Bonnie; remembering the good times by making my memories into drawings. You might suggest to your son who wants to give Chance his toy, to draw just that: have him draw a picture of himself giving Chance his toy. There is something to be said about the power of positive thinking.
I have no experience with explaining things like this to a child, since I have none of my own. I just know that art is a powerful tool for coping and for self expression. Anyway, I hope that you find something that helps, some way to explain it to them, or some way to comfort them once they do fully grasp the concept. Grieve at your own pace and we are all here for you.
-Chloe’s mom
thanks for sharing the wonderful pictures of chance and your family. he looks to have been the perfect big brother. sounds like you are doing what you need to do to keep going, but at times it’s hard not to have the sadness and tears rush in.
charon & gayle
We agree with Charon and Gayle – these are wonderful pictures and they definitely portray what a special relationship you all had with Chance. I love the beaded necklace – what a great sport!! We will definitely be keeping you in our thoughts and sending comforting thoughts your way.
Bethany and Kobe
The pain is real and acute (of missing them); I totally can relate. It’s been 18 days since I lost Shelli. I don’t cry everyday anymore, but yesterday was saturday and Saturdays were her days (to go park, hiking etc) and I started to cry again. It’s tough, I know. Sneaks up on you when you run into an old memory, so many things remind you of them. Chance is up there hanging out with Shelli, they are the newest members of Rainbow Bridge. I just know they are….
Hugs
The pictures and your blog are the perfect display of LOVE. I am very sorry for your loss and hope the pain is soon replaced with the beautiful memories you shared.
RIP sweet Chance. Run Free at Rainbow Bridge.
My heart goes out to you with the loss of Chance. What a wonderful and beautiful family.
Just know you have the Tripawd family to help you get through this.
Sending you a hug,
Comet’s mom
Dear Chance’s Mom,
When my sweet JD left this physical life, not too many weeks ago, a co-worker gave me a book and a condolance card. The book is ‘Dog Heaven’ written by Cynthia Rylant the noted childrens author. I think it might be something to read with your kids. It talks about all the good things that the dogs in heaven experience, fields to run in,as many biscuits as they want and each dog is petted and reminded how good he is, all day long. It is not religious, per se, doesn’t answer questions about the meaning of life but written to comfort kids.
One of my favorite pages reads.
‘At night, God turns the clouds inside out to make fluffy beds for the dogs in Dog Heaven, and when they are tired from running and barking and eating ham sandwich biscuits, the dogs each find a cloud for sleeping. They turn around and around in the cloud until it feels just right and they curl up and they sleep.’ My JD used to rough up the carpet till she was satisfied it was fluffy enough to lay down 🙂
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this horrible time, missing Chance, and your husband and not only dealing with your own grief, but wanting to help your kids with the loss as well.
I would be happy to send you the book, if you want to PM me, it might help.
Spirit JD’s mom
I am so sorry. I can understand since I lost my angle Jersey May a little over 2 weeks ogo. The tear reserve seems to refill every day for me. We wish you all the best.
Angle Jersey May, Mr Red and their 2 dads
Great, I cant spell while tears in my eyes”angel”
Your post is so moving – of course it brings tears to my eyes. I remember when I was about 10, we lost our family dog (Great Dane at the age of 14). Her name was Dorothy and she was such a huge part of our family (she’s the reason I’ve had this love for dogs my whole life). When my dad told me that Dorothy died, I just broke down crying…not understanding why. He told me that she’s up in heaven now eating all the steaks that she could ever want. Being 10 I found that to be so comforting because I knew she was ok and she was in a good place. That was 40 years ago and my family to this day still speak of Dorothy like it was just yesterday. It’s amazing how kids retain the early memories of their family pet. I’ll never forget Dorothy and I’m sure your kids will never forget Chance.
The pictures of Chance with your kids are so endearing…you can see how special and loved Chance was and how lucky you all were to have him in your life. What a beautiful boy….so so sorry again for your loss. We are thinking of you…..